“Hello, my name is Alison, and I’m a control freak.”  Yes, that’s what I’ll be saying at the next Control Freaks Anonymous meeting.

            I am entering the last two weeks of my life here in Providence, after returning from my ten-day fact-finding mission in Israel.  I am packing up everything I own, selling all of my furniture, preparing myself in every way I can imagine.  I have also been coming to terms with the fact that I have been trying to control every facet of my aliyah, often to the point of exerting undue influence on it.  I frequently catch myself imagining my aliyah like a beast, and watching myself attempt to wrestle it to the ground.  In the process of becoming an Israeli citizen, I have become more American than ever.  Indeed, as much as I pretend to let people help me (and know deep down that I need the help desperately!), my fierce independence and desire to do everything perfectly have kept me from really surrendering myself to the process.

            Yes, my relentless need for perfection has already cost me at least a few hundred dollars.. probably more.  All of a sudden, I have become very concerned with buying everything I could possibly need for the next year right now.  I don’t know whether I have completely lost touch with the fact that Israel is a civilized country with lots of products available, or whether I simply don’t want to deal with having to shop for anything, anything, for the next few months.  Perhaps I am just clinging to the one thing I can control at this point.  I mean, let’s face it, I’m staring right down the barrel of the “big unknown” – but at least I have sixty pounds of dog food, two huge jugs of ketchup, and enough tampons to last me the rest of my ovulating days, to keep me company.  In a very odd way, I have found this intense preparatory shopping phase very soothing.  Even though I’m spending more money than I should be, and even though I know I’ll be breaking the backs of my movers, there is something calming about knowing that I have enough of my type of food, toiletries, dog treats, what have you, to get me through the rough spots.  I suppose that with the huge amount of changes I’m going to be dealing with, I just need to cling to something familiar for a little while.

           So what have I learned?  I know now that I need to view my aliyah not as a battle, but as a journey.  I must surrender my stubborn and misguided desire to control everything, and allow this process to develop with me and for me.  I want so badly for everything to go perfectly, with none of those famous “rookie mistakes” I’ve heard about.. but I have to remember that the mistakes are often the most valuable part of any journey.  And I look forward to making plenty more of them.