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September 30, 2003

Alison on Aliyah:  I’m finally excited!

            I am entering the last two weeks of my life here in Providence, after returning from my ten-day fact-finding mission in Israel.  I am packing up everything I own, selling all of my furniture, preparing myself in every way I can imagine.  I am trying to tie up all my loose ends, see my friends for the last time in what will certainly be a long time, and still establish some type of normalcy for my dog as her home is becoming increasingly less familiar to her.  I’m feeling a great deal of loss right now:  the loss of my own home, my sense of safety and security, and my even the creature comforts I’ve grown accustomed to.  As I look around my apartment here, I see only boxes and disarray.. and as much as I am feeling quite a bit of internal disarray, I am utterly ecstatic about the adventure to come.

            It’s true.  I can’t stop smiling.  As stressed out as I am, and as painful as the goodbyes are, I cannot wait to begin this new chapter in my life.  From the first day I began to announce my aliyah plans to the people around me, the first question has always been, “Are you excited?” (closely followed by, “Aren’t you scared?”).  To be honest, I haven’t been excited for quite some time.  I mean, I guess I was initially, but it was just so huge and overwhelming – and far away – that it was difficult to really envision the changes to come.  And the closer I got to my aliyah, the more terrified I became.  My fear and anxiety reached such a crescendo a month ago that I felt I had to get back to Israel, partly to figure out my plans in more detail, but partly just to reconnect with my desire to live there and my reasons for doing so.  And believe me, this was the best $1,000.00 I have ever spent.  From the moment I signed the lease on my new apartment in Jerusalem, I have felt totally at peace with my decision.  I am not scared, and I am not nervous.  I am so ready.  I thought I would never get to this point.. and as much as I am bogged down in the details of packing and moving my possessions, I have never felt so content in so many ways.

            I am finally excited again about my aliyah, and at times throughout my last days here, I have found myself overwhelmed with pride.  I am doing what so many people have told me they wish they could do.  I am refusing to let this opportunity pass me by, and I am choosing to fulfill a dream that, unrealized, would have haunted me with regret for the rest of my life.  And yes, I know it seems a little crazy to settle down in the center of a city so besieged with terror right now, but I must be there.  I cannot purport to call myself a student of trauma psychology, and interview individuals who have been traumatized, without being able to look into their eyes and reassure them that I understand their pain.  I must “walk the talk,” and I must live with these experiences in order to feel them, and study them, and comprehend them.  And if it comes to pass that this puts me in harm’s way, I want it to be known that I feel that it is worth it, and that this is my utter obligation to my people, my profession, and my new country.