January 13, 2004

Alison on Aliyah:  Me in Jerusalem

            At long last, I received all of my things from the states last week, what we new immigrants call a “lift.”  It was glorious.  The movers just kept bringing in box after box after box – all my books, videos, CDs, photo albums, dishes and kitchenware, clothes, my bed.. I was misty-eyed the whole time.  And I am currently bleary-eyed from the past few days (and nights!) of nonstop unpacking.  Only today was I able to wade through the maze of boxes to get to my computer, and I went days without eating because I couldn’t reach the refrigerator.  I couldn’t have cared less.. I am simply ecstatic to finally have my prized possessions in my possession.

            I have, however, been surprised at my other emotional reactions.  As soon as the movers left, I surveyed my apartment filled to the gills with everything I own in the world and couldn’t help but feel a twinge of panic.  This is for real now, I thought.  The permanency of my new situation hit me hard as I realized I am now officially not mobile anymore.  No longer can I just pack up my couple of suitcases and dog kennel and head off to a different apartment, different city, or even return to the states if things go awry.  In fact, at this point, I don’t even have enough money to go back – it will actually be easier to stay here and live at poverty level than to find another $4,000 to ship all my stuff back.  It will now cost more than I currently have, in money, time, and back pain, to move anywhere.

            After that brief flash of anxiety – which I quickly stifled with the simple reminder, why would I ever want to leave? – I hunkered down and began to unpack.  One of the first boxes I chose to open contained my refrigerator magnets, a rather eclectic array of mementos from vacations and pictures of my dog, friends, and family.  I didn’t think much of them as I took them out of the box, but as soon as I stepped back and gazed at them on display, I was hit with a rush of emotions.  These are my magnets, my memories, on my refrigerator, in my new apartment in Jerusalem!  There’s something about “Jerusalem” that makes every sentence in which it stands special, and oddly meaningful.  These magnets were hanging unobtrusively on my fridge in Providence just three short months ago.. and now, having made a trip halfway across the world, here they are in Jerusalem, with me once again.

            The more I have unpacked these past few days, the more I have felt like me again.  It is a little disconcerting how much a part of me my things have become, but I have realized more and more that – for better or worse – these things define me in many ways.  I put up all of my family pictures today, and cannot stop looking at them every time I enter the room.  I found all my candles yesterday, and proudly displayed them on my new windowsill.  My dog once again has all of her cherished playthings and chew toys, and has been happier in the past few days than I’ve seen her in months.  Since I set up my beloved bed two days ago, she and I climb in with pure glee every night, with no nostalgia whatsoever for our three back-breaking months on an airbed on the floor.

            I have had a number of friends over during the past week, some to help me with the heavy stuff, some just to watch the transformation taking place in my apartment.  For the first time, I feel how important it is to me to have a comfortable and cozy place to call my home.  Many of my friends back in the states have told me for years that I have a singular talent for making any place in which I live, no matter how cramped or dark or unpleasant, an inviting environment.  And with every candle I light here, every chatchke I place on a shelf, every picture I hang on the wall, my apartment is becoming my home.  I only realized today how little I had enjoyed having visitors in the past three months, when I had no place for anyone to sit and no warm atmosphere to soak in here.  Only tonight, when a friend came over and bounced on my bed, inspected my CDs (and voiced his approval), and settled in to spend time with me here, did I really feel at home.  I’m me again.. and I’m me in Jerusalem!