so there was another pigua (bombing) today.  it's been barely three weeks since the last one, and this one hit me harder than that one.. i'm not sure why.  it could be the fact that every successive pigua seems to be getting closer to me than the one before.  the cafe hillel one was in september, when i was here visiting and preparing for my aliyah.. i was in the neighborhood, i heard it, and i heard the sirens screaming to the scene.  i had been on the same block as the restaurant only 1.5 hours before it happened.  then the one last month was in the neighborhood adjacent to mine, on a bus line that i ride frequently.  and now this one, on THE bus that i ride twice a day, on the same route, only 20 minutes after i was on it.  of course, it probably wasn't the exact same bus, but to hear that it was line 14 was really startling.  i guess i shouldn't be surprised.. i mean, that particular line has been hit something like 6 times in the past 3 years.

so i boarded my own bus 14 this morning around 7:45am, dutifully rode to school, went to class, everything seemed normal.  around 8:30am my cellphone rang.. it was a good friend of mine who KNOWS that my class starts at 8:15am.. so my first thought was annoyance that he should know better than to call me during class.  i didn't answer the call because we're not allowed to do so unless it's an emergency.. little did i know.  about 3 minutes later the phone rang again, this time from a number i didn't recognize.  i figured this might be a sign.. so i went out to the hall to answer it.. it was a good friend of mine in haifa who had just heard about the bombing and wanted to make sure i was ok.  the first question i asked him, the first question we all ask, was "what line was it?"  then we mentally tick down our list of friends, who would be on that bus line, in that area, going in that direction, at that time of day.  my first thought was, my god, i was on that bus 20 minutes ago.

so i went back into class and informed the teacher that there had been a pigua, at a location that was actually only about a few miles away from our classroom.  all the students wanted to know more, everyone was concerned.. and i became the bearer of information because the first friend who had called works at the television authority and always knows news info immediately after it happens.  so he filled me in on the rest of the details over the next 15 minutes.. line 14.. near emek refaim.. no, near rechavia.. no, at the intersection between jabotinsky and king david streets.. the information kept changing and getting more specific.  within 20 minutes we knew the exact location, how many wounded, how many already dead, etc.  the israeli procedure for dealing with bombings works like a well-oiled machine.  emergency medical teams were on the site within 3 minutes, bodies were cleared within 10 minutes, the scene was empty within an hour, blown-out windows boarded up, the carcass of the bus evacuated.  traffic returned to normal within 2 hours of the bombing, and by the time i rode by 4 hours later, the only sign that anything at all had happened there was a group of mourners and protestors with their signs and candles.

the scene in my classroom was decidedly less organized and more chaotic.  everyone was worried, hanging on my friend's phone calls for more information.  i kept getting calls from other friends, from all over the country, who know i am in jerusalem and take buses.  in between fielding these calls, i called my mom in the states to tell her i was fine (even though i knew she wouldn't find out about it until the next morning, i didn't want her to get a busy signal when she did end up calling, which frequently happens because phone lines get tied up quickly after these things).. and i called my own friends here who i thought could have been riding that bus.  each phone call was the same, brief, to the point, thankful.  "hi, are you ok?  good.  me too.  we'll talk later."  we all know there is work to be done, with our mental checklists of friends and family.  it's not easy work.  i felt uneasy not being able to go home and field calls there.. i hate making people worry and i still haven't developed a system for alerting everyone that i'm fine after these things.  i know how i felt in the states when i would hear about something here that could have affected someone i know.. it's terrifying, and immobilizing, and makes one feel painfully impotent.

after granting us a 15-minute break to make our calls and calm down, the teacher engaged us in a discussion about the pigua.  even though she had had a lesson plan and a lot to cover for the day, she knew we were in no mood to learn grammatical structure and a new verb group.  so we talked about our feelings and our reactions, all in hebrew of course.  i was surprised to hear so much anger.. especially from myself.  we're all furious that israel is not allowed to do anything to protect herself from these terrible acts of terror.. and the fact that this happened on the eve of the court proceedings in the hague to discuss the "legality" of the security fence is no accident.  the fence has been working, we have had less piguim in the last few months, although i will admit things appear to be ramping up again.  if this were happening in america, bush would have bombed the fuck out of whatever country he even had a hint about their cooperation in it.  but we can't do anything.. we sit, with perhaps the most powerful army in the world, with the ability to blow these assholes away, with our hands tied behind our backs because america wants to protect its own interests and we need america's alliance.  it's not fucking fair.

when the teacher asked my own feelings, as one of the few external students (ie., not living on the grounds of the ulpan like most of the kids) who has to take a bus to class every day, i said that it's scary, and i hate living like this.  i think about piguim all the time, and i wonder about it whenever i board a packed bus.  but what can i do?  i must ride the bus.. i am not going to take a cab everywhere and i am not going to NOT GO anywhere because of those assholes.  i think about it, but i am not afraid when i sit on a bus.  i figure, hey, i'm already here, there's nothing to be done about it if it happens now.  i go to the open-air market in the center of the city, near my neighborhood every day.. knowing that it is an obvious target.  what choice do i have?  i refuse to stop living my life.. but on the other side of it, i hate having to live a life like this.  this country is so wonderful and so beautiful.. i just wish it didn't have to be this way.  but since it does, i'm still willing to take the risks.. the alternative is living a less spiritual and less FULL life somewhere else.. or living a shallower life here.  these are unacceptable alternatives.

so i get up every morning and i get on the bus.  i leave ulpan every afternoon and i get on the bus.  i go to the shuk, and i go to cafes and restaurants with my friends.  i hope that i will get through these things ok, but i know there is always a chance i won't.  but what is the alternative?