what a day.  i'm still too wound up from all the events today to go to bed right away.  i just got back from, ironically, a lecture on trauma and terror in america and here.  i had planned to go to it for a week.. but it was made all the more surreal by the pigua.  even more so was my bus ride back home from the lecture, on the exact same bus line, exact same route, passing the scene of the bombing.. it was eerie.  the bus was very quiet.. when i got on, i recognized a driver i know just from riding the line frequently.. and when i asked him if he was ok, he just gave me a kind of hopeless look.  at the beginning of every hour there is usually a news broadcast on the radio, and i have never been on a bus that the driver doesn't turn up the volume whenever he hears the news coming on.  this was no different.  the whole bus became completely silent as we all listened to the radio announcer list newly released names of the dead and give an update on the conditions of the others.  it was terribly sad.. and i am terribly sad.  i don't feel any more afraid.. i'm just finding that the aftereffects are hitting me harder with each progressive pigua.  i suppose i'm on my way to becoming hardened to it.. but right now i'm on the uphill journey.. and it's hard.  my mom kept asking me what can i do differently, what can i do to prevent my own death in this manner.. i just didn't have an answer.  and i refuse to think that way.  the only real way to do so is to be a hermit.. to lock myself in my house and not take buses, not go to the grocery store, cafes, restaurants, anything.. and that is ridiculous.  so i will go on.. and this too shall pass.. and we shall hope for the best.